“Woe, woe and thrice, woe, we’re all

Up Pompeii - Comedy Playhouse 1969


Ashley Cole has broken his ankle, it’s all over the dream has ended before it began.”

Lurcio: “Never mind her, that’s Senna the soothsayer, she’s always at it, woe woe and thrice woeing that is.

I don’t know what she’s bothering about, yes I know Cashley has a duff ankle, that’ll keep him out until the World Cup but that’s why our great leader, Hail Caesar, played all those understudies in the meaningless games, to test them, see they’re up to the job. He didn’t just pick his favourites to play game after game now did he.

Oh, right, I see where she’s going with this one.

Now if you listen to Senna and Plautus, this really puts us in an awkward situation, what with Cole being the bestest leftback that’s ever set foot on earth and well my master, Senator Ludicrus Sextus, dalliance with Nausius’ girlfriend. Oh woe.

Of course that only falls down on the fact that Cole is very overrated, oh he was fantastic against Sunderland what a goal. Yes, good against a side that didn’t attack or defend, great. As for the goal, now if you played him that ball he took down so brilliantly another 99 times it would still be the 1 in a hundred shot. Couldn’t trap a bag of sand. And the shot, have you ever seen someone more afraid to use his “wrong foot”? Cole not going to the World Cup means we won’t have to see his usual routine of running up the wing, stopping, turning inside, dithering about, panicking because he now as only two options first kick the ball with his right foot, never going to happen, or secondly pass it back with his left, stop all momentum and more than likely play a team mate into trouble. Don’t know why I gave that last one as the second option, it’s his only option really.

So what does Caesar do, who does he pick? Well Nausius’ chance has gone, he’s been useless for Citehus so far this season, whereas previously he would have marched straight into the spot but those years of being satisfied sitting on the bench being Cole’s understudy at Chelski have turned him from being the best England leftback around to one not worth the bother. If he opts out of the next friendly then that should definitely be an end to it.

So who is left from those that Caesar never really looked at because he didn’t envisage any injuries occurring before this June. 🙄

Well I’ve heard mention of Milner filling in the spot, he has the energy and abilities to fulfil the modern fullback role. Yes he does and, injury permitting, he should be one of the first names in the squad. But that would mean missing out on him further up the pitch and that’s why those naming him are doing so, because they already have Gerrard pencilled into that left sided midfield berth. A situation that creates all types of problems for any leftback, Gerrard moping around in the “graveyard spot” as he calls it, offers no protection to his defensive partner, as he drifts into the already clogged middle, attempting more and more ridiculous Hollywood glory balls that miss their target by miles. Milner shouldn’t be behind that, he should be replacing that.

Others mention are Warnock from Villa who is having a decent season and Lescott, who has filled the role previously. Yeah and that worked well didn’t it, even at his best position, centreback, the Citeh player has shown he’s not up to the international job.

Leighton Baines is coming quite far down a number of lists, the Under 21 player doesn’t get many a mention for the senior squad. But what other England qualified leftback takes his clubs left footed free kicks, corners, as well as being comfortable crossing the ball and with penalties – the latter being quite appropriate for a tournament involving England. Added to that he can and does kick the ball with the other foot, doesn’t just use it to stand on, yes he might not have the pace of Cole but with the proper left sided unit – i.e. no Gerrard but Milner – it wouldn’t matter that much.

But of course non of this will matter, yes Caesar said he would only pick those who were fit and playing for their teams and we’ve seen that go out the window, as it has done with every manager who promised it beforehand and then went on to pick their favourites no matter what.

So chances are Cole will head to South Africa this summer on crutches, just like Keggy and Brooking in ’82, Robson in ’86 and ’90, Beckham in ’02 and Rooney last time in ’06.

And I never did get to tell you the prologue, oh well salute.”

Cast List:

  • Lurcio: Yours truly Toxicus Webbus
  • Caesar: Fabio Capello
  • Senator Ludicrus Sextus: John Terry
  • Ammonia: Toni Poole
  • Nausius: Wayne Bridge
  • Erotica: Cheryl Cole
  • Senna the Soothsayer: Sky Sports News
  • Plautus: the rest of the media
  • Vanessa Perroncel: Valerie Leon
  • Ashley Cole: Jim Davidson
  • James Milner: Himself
  • Leighton Baines: Himself
  • Steven Warnock : nobody
  • Joleon Lescott: Coliseum jester
  • Steven Gerrard: Eeyore

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