Things can only get better goes full


Not that long ago – though it could be ages back if a week is a long time in politics – a certain political party danced in the streets of London to the sound of a track “Things Can Only Get Better” after running a campaign to clean up the sleaze in British politics.

That sleaze had come to pass and come to define the fag end of the previous regime’s long period in office. It was the usual sleaze based on sex, money and lies. But with former government ministers Patrica Hewitt – can’t she be deported as an undesirable alien? – Stephen Byers and Geoff Hoon being caught offering their lobbying services for cash this week the whole thing has pretty much come full circle in the last 13 years.

I mean that was the final straw wasn’t it those years back “Cash For Questions”, yet back then it was a bunch of political nobodies asking a couple of well questions, this time a bunch of ex-high up government ministers trying to exert their influence. Of course this is where the allegations do fall flat a bit because what influence do any of these have. Hell what influence on the machinery of power did this sorry bunch of no-marks have when they were in the government – I nearly wrote heart of government but they were never close to that. All three were just the mouthpiece for a department, told to stand there and read out loud what those in real power have have prepared for them to say.

But back then it all had to be cleaned up. The sex, so instead of David Mellor shagging some butt ugly Spanish bird in a Chelsea shirt – Mellor that is not the ugly bird – we had a deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, who amazingly is more physically disgusting than Mellor and his shagging partner put together shagging his secretary in his various publicly funded residences. Oh but that was after the then Foreign Secretary had announced at Heathrow, just before an official trip abroad to represent this country, that he was leaving his wife because he was having it away with a member of his staff. Then there was the Gordon Brown mini-me, Nigel Griffiths, you know the one that was claiming £10,000 a year expenses, from 1997 to 2002, for rent on an Edinburgh office that he owned outright and failed to disclose a £227,000 fortune left to him by his late father. Who kept denying he was having it away until he was shown the pictures of him and the bint in his parliamentary office on Remembrance Day – the pics the pair of them took.

The lies, well they had to clean up all the damage done by Aitken and Archer being sent down for perjury. No more lies. Except of course the standard political lies, but they’re not real lies you know promises made to get elected, I mean just cause it’s said it will be done in a manifesto, no one really believes, so they don’t count as lies. Though at some point they might have to say sex up certain documents, add a 45 minutes here, little overstatement there. I mean what’s the worst that could happen, it’s not as bad as a couple of scumbags going to jail is it, someone just “will probably be found dead in the woods” and a bunch of people who did take the Queen’s Shilling in the first place so knew what they were signing up for will have to fly off to some godforsaken hell-hole to face the possibility of dying young.

Proof women are evil
Proof women are evil

Money, the route of all evil, that started early didn’t those years back. Well it would do wouldn’t it with Tony and his chav wife in tow, have there been two more money grabbing individuals to hole up in Downing Street? It really was like a kid in a sweet shop for the chav, quite happy to use her husband’s name and then current now former title on the billing when it meant her appearance fees would increase.

Yes from the very beginning what with the rather large donation from the head of Formula 1, Bernie Ecclestone, one million quid wasn’t it, what did that get him? Oh that’s right F1 being excluded from the ban on fag companies sticking their logos all over sports they sponsored – they needn’t have bother as F1 has killed itself since then anyway. Then there was Peter Mandelson first resignation for taking a loan from Geoffrey Robinson who was subject to an inquiry into his business dealings by Mandy’s department. Then there was the second resignation, now that was using his position to influence a passport application, was that just out of the kindness of his heart?

Of course none of that takes into account the “Expenses Scandal” but then that was people of all party colours on a tax payer funded free-for-all. But isn’t one party meant to be the party of the common working man, not the party of croquet playing, private schools, luxury homes nowhere near your constituency, porn videos, first class all the way, it doesn’t matter the common man is footing the bill. Oh I forgot the political party created for the common working man is now the party of the very expensively educated Harriet Harperson and luvvies parachuted into places they would never normally step foot.

And we come full circle to nobodies taking money to try influence things they have no hope of influencing.

So did things get better? Well yes they did as New Labour pretty much did every sleazy thing the Conservative party under John Major did and we now amazingly think even less of our politicians than we did back then because Labour did it much bigger and much better…

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