There couldn’t be more fitting a final for such an awful


Euro 2016 ended as it started and then meandered for a month as the only team to beat Iceland lost the final to the team that qualified out of the group stage below Iceland.

In Saint-Denis, Portugal did to France what Greece did to Portugal in Lisbon 12 years ago.

Portugal, who won the same amount of games in 90 minutes as England did. Both of them beating Wales who celebrated coming fourth in a manner much like ARSEnal do. Or does losing to the eventual winners mean they came third?

So how fitting was that final then? Dull as hell, with everyone watching screaming for a goal inside the 90 minutes so we didn’t have to sit through another half hour of the turgid ineptitude. And then being pissed off that a goal came in that extra time so we missed out on penalties and some actual excitement that normally brings.

Well if not excitement then Zaza induced laughter at least…

A tournament of big dumb, lumpers up front, was won by a big dumb, lumper up front. Big dumb lumpers France had two, Giroud and Gignac, both equally slow and inept, while Portugal had Eder. Brushing off the flouncy Koscielny, saw his longish range shot not being blocked by Umtiti – wasn’t that a character in Carry On Cleo? – who completely ponced out of blocking a ball that wouldn’t have hurt one of the moths flying about. It curled just past the outstretched Lloris in goal.

I mean that was the final, one goal and the moths. Well apart from Ronaldo and Ronaldo’s tears.

The tears of Roanldo. I didn’t tune in for the build up, never do these days, I imagine he was in tears during the anthem, then he was in tears when Payet “did ‘im”, then tears after he realised he couldn’t run it off, tears when he was carried off and tears when the goal went in, tears when the final whistle went, tears when he lifted the trophy.

Did that tackle rob us of a better game? Probably not, I mean just look at France, their best player on the night was one who was relegated with Newcastle. Sissoko, just imagine he’d put that effort in for the Toon, they might have finished above Sunderland. If he’d have put that much effort in he probably still wouldn’t be at Newcastle and that’s why he put that much effort in, to get away from Newcastle.

And while Ronaldo is undoubtedly Portugal’s best player – by the biggest country mile you’ve ever seen – he hasn’t exactly shone in this tournament.

But then who has. Bale and Wales I hear you cry. As said Wales, they lost to England. They scuffed past Slovakia in the group and beat a Russian side that were completely awful but actually came out to play unlike the flat back 10 England faced. Lucky own goal against Norn Ireland followed by a great result against a Belgique side that again flattered to deceive.

Bale, well three goals, two of which were goalkeeping errors and well honestly I never saw him really running games, one key pass per game as well, not exactly the great creative force. Could be worse, could be Robson-Kanu the new Oleg Salenko or Toto Schillaci. Dear god the bloke can’t score in the Championship, what is it less than double figures in about 4 seasons combined. One, albeit decent, goal against a Belgian defence that all ran away from him at the optimum moment and he’s taking big moves. Big, dumb, lumpers.

When the best thing about a tournament is Iceland putting England out it well sums everything thing up, from the stupidly high number of teams to the state of the pitches to the weather – tournaments should be sunny – to the over hit crosses. How many crosses did you see fly over everyone, fly over the box and go out for a throw on the other side while not being within yards of a player.

To most important of all the football. It was dull, turgid stuff, with little or no real exciting games and even less great football.

And the F.A. have seen this, they have paid attention. They are quick to follow trends, they don’t match them but they follow. They tried to be like Spain with the passing, they tried to be like France with academies, they tried to be like Germany and now they’ve seen Portugal play boring, crap, one dimensional football and they’ve taken not and the appropriate response.

So watch out for Big Fat Sam or Big Fat Bruce to get the England job, if anyone can produce dull football it’s these two…

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