Are you not entertained… how could you not

Highlights - England vs Switzerland | Uefa Euro 2024 | BBC Sport


Southgate’s England advanced to the Euro semi-final after one of the most boring one all draws you’ll ever see, against a dull Switzerland side thanks to one of the worst penalties you’ll see a professional player take.

Now they’ll face an equally dull side, the Dutch, in the semi, and it could end up in the dream final in Berlin come Sunday. England versus France. Well, a dream for insomniacs all over the world.

England have played five games, Southgate has seen them be dire in those five games, he’s basically stuck with the same side to start those five games. Three times he’s introduced Cole Palmer, late on of course and only three out of the five, three times he’s seen Palmer inject some life into proceedings. But will he start him? No. Why would you want life from your starting XI?

Meanwhile Foden has started every game, played 90 minutes three times, 89 minutes once and was subbed in the 70th minute once. And done nothing.

But Southgate keeps doing the same thing over and over again. Though this time the copier – he tries to copy the 1-0 wins, he copies the fullback in midfield, he copies the fannying about at the back – was copying the opposition, going three at the back. But of course Southgate being Southgate he never once thought of playing a right footer as right wingback and a left footer as left wingback. Oh no, that would just be stupid.

So we had ’em cutting inside. Though you wouldn’t know it if you had the misfortune to listen to Alan Shearer’s commentary. You’d think that time and time again, Saka had pushed the ball past his defender and whipped a great cross in. When in fact he did it a couple of times and the cross was not great, the rest of the time it was the same old same old. Which of course led to his goal and that was the objective, get the opportunity to go for glory, personal glory, not play for the team.

And that’s all of them. Playing to be the hero. You won’t see this England side create a great team goal. It’s all me… me… me… goals.

The goal of course was an equaliser, another late equaliser. Not as late as last time but still late.

The opener came from the Swiss thanks to a reliable source… for the opposition. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kyle Walker defending.

The equaliser in that last game came from a Walker long throw, could he do it again, would he do it again? You know that phrase there’s no such thing as a stupid question? Of course he could but he didn’t and yes adjacent to the Swiss box his throw went backwards and yes it was at the feet of Pickford within three passes.

And at that point surely everyone knew what England we were getting. The England that saw Walker not stop any crosses going in. The England that saw Stones leave the only man he had to mark, that saw Walker stay behind the man all alone in front of the England goal and push him in the back instead of doing any actual defending.

What have I always said about Walker? It’s hands first. He can’t defend if he can’t use his hands.

That came after 75 minutes of tedium. The commentator got it right but I bet his bosses weren’t happy, when he said tune in to the highlights later, if there’s any. Shearer was still being happy clappy. It took Southgate until the 79th minute to see it wasn’t working and make changes.

Palmer as said improved things, Shaw who we were told would be fit for the second game and is finally making his bow late in the fifth, contributed nothing, other than looking like a tub of lard. Eze was OK but it was all a bit running into defenders and going for glory.

With penalties looming, Kane left after yet again getting no service, to be replaced by Toney who received no service.

And so to spot kicks and City’s Akanji minced up and played a backpass to Pickford.

England didn’t win this, the Swiss lost it by playing like England. I mean they only managed this result against the Jocks. Southgate getting that lucky side of the draw again. Just a shame they won’t be facing Turkey. Would have been fun seeing a team just go at them, something they haven’t actually faced in the five dull games so far. But this one looks like another borefest. I wonder if Walker will figure out that Gakpo is a one trick pony, cut inside and take a shot. I mean all he has to do is look at Saka.

But apparently Southgate is enjoying himself…

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